“Listen with the intent to understand, not to reply.”
Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People)

What wise words are these? How many times do you have a non-conversation with someone?

I heard one such non-conversation this lunchtime as I was purchasing a coffee:

Friend 1: “Hi, how are you?”
Friend 2: “Great, how are you?”
Friend 1: “Really good. How are you?”

We’ve probably all heard a similar conversation – or indeed said it our self. Our nerves, feelings, thoughts are all travelling so rapidly that we end up asking the same question again – even though it has been answered. We are not present, so we cannot listen to others.

This example is harmless enough, yet many misunderstandings, conflicts, and pain, can be eased or eliminated if we practice deep listening.

Listening Skills courses

I’m often asked to ‘do a slot’, or ‘put in a session’ on listening skills when I am facilitating courses for Managers or Leaders. Listening is a skill – I could spend a week exploring listening skills with my groups. We all listen, yet most of us are very poor listeners. We were taught to speak, taught to write, however very few of us are taught to listen – and so no surprise then that we sometimes do it badly!

The effect of not feeling you are being listened to

It is a horrible human experience to feel that you are not being listened to. You may be a customer complaining, you may be telling a story that no-one is responding to, or you may be attempting to get your idea across to the team. It is painful. It is a discount. It is a strain on relationships.

Some people lose confidence, some withdraw from social situations, and some remain quiet.

Levels of Listening

There are many models about the levels of listening. A few examples of the levels of listening are:

  • Selective listening is taking in the bits that you want to hear! A classic is when someone is telling you about their trip to New York City, and you can’t wait to jump in to tell them your experiences of the city!
  • Empathetic listening means seeing a situation from the other person’s point of view. We may use reflection and paraphrasing to show the person that we are truly listening to them. It is a way for us, as the listener, to check that what we think we are hearing, is accurate. Counsellors use this type of listening, and deep listening.
  • Deep Listening is where we listen with the sole purpose of making the other person feel heard, held, and accepted. We listen, with our full attention. We are present.

Thich Nhat Hanh, Zen Buddhist monk, says that listening is about bringing your true presence to the conversation – in other words, are you really present?

Barriers to Listening

If behaviourally, we are not truly present – we are driving and speaking (yes, some people do this!), or we are scrolling our phones, watching television or working on emails. This is not listening to someone. You can shallow listen to someone else whilst you are chopping vegetables, however, the speaker will not feel listened to or connected with you.

Our physical needs can be barriers to deep listening. If you are hungry, or tired, this may be a factor affecting your ability to be present.

Our minds are a huge barrier to deep listening. Most of our minds are so busy with the non-stop chatter going on in our monkey mind that we are not present for ourselves, let alone another person. We can find ourselves giving advice, interrupting, or judging what the person is saying. This is our egoic mind at work, trying to solve problems and work things out to have meaning.

Our emotional self can get in the way of us listening to someone else – for instance, if you find yourself triggered emotionally by what the speaker is saying. This is you reacting to yourself, and therefore we focus inwardly, and contract. We lose presence with the speaker. An example is someone telling you the pain of their loss, and you give advice because their pain is triggering your pain.

Your role of listener is to listen, and only give advice if the speaker asks it (and then sparingly, as our lives are unique, so your solution may not be right for them). Of course, I may get triggered when someone is speaking – for example, all of us have experienced grief, and it may trigger grief I have. If I can hold and observe my own feelings, the speaker will feel my presence, and I will be able to listen from a full heart.

What is Deep Listening?

To be able to listen to someone else, firstly you need to be. Presence is truly a wonderful thing. It means you are aware that you are in your body, and that you are breathing. You are in the now-ness of life. It is enriching and enables you to focus on whatever is going on.

Try this exercise:

Stop what you are doing, and bring your attention to the weight of your feet on the floor. Take 5 complete breaths – in and out. At your own pace, and in your natural way.

What was your experience?

You may already be feeling more present, and connected to yourself, and the world around you.

You could try the exercise again, however this time allow sounds to come to your body. You may be surprised at when we stop, and are present, just how far sounds carry to you; sounds high above you, and sounds far in the distance.

Three steps to Deep Listening:

1st step – Stop. Focus on your breath. Breathe naturally, in and out. Feel the weight of the clothes on your body. Feel the weight of your feet on the floor.

2nd step – If you start thinking, go back to the 1st step. Look at the person, and you will find the more present you are, the more you listen with your whole body.

3rd step – As you continue to breathe, and feel the weight of your feet on the floor, how present are you? Are you really listening to the other person? You may feel their emotions, their pain body, and their words are landing in your system in a way you have never experienced listening before. You and them are fully connected, alive.

It is a beautiful practice to fully listen, with your whole body. With presence.

When you enter a space to listen fully, and deeply, the receiver will feel a deep connection, love even, as you hold that space for them. To listen deeply is a truly beautiful meditation practice.

“Listening is a very deep practice…you have to empty yourself. You have to leave space in order to listen…especially to people we think are our enemies – the ones we believe are making our situation worse.

When you have shown your capacity for listening and understanding, the other person will begin to listen to you, and you have a chance to tell him or her your pain, and it’s your turn to be healed. This is the practice of peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

Kay Buckby is an experienced and qualified Mindfulness Teacher and Mindfulness Mentor. She works with people to use mindfulness as part of their everyday practices, offering retreats, courses, seminars, group mentoring, 121 coaching and 121 mentoring.